Like a Small Boat
by choose joy xox
Summary: He had been scared before, but this was different. Because if he could he would take on every ounce of her pain without any hesitation at all. He would gladly shoulder all of this if his daughter didn't have to go through it. Because he was afraid that this was something so much worse than a little cold. "Okay, I'm going to call and see if I can get you into the doctor tomorrow."
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 **I hate my life. I hate that everyone always convinces me to write stories that are going to make me cry. Arghhh. You can blame this one on my friend Tilly. Yell at her in the reviews if you want. I'll make sure she reads them.**

 **I don't want to tell you anymore than you get while reading this, except I END UP WRITING SAD STORIES A LOT. gaaahfdasjklj. BUT I LOVE IT. YOU KNOW I LOVE IT. AND YOU. I LOVE YOU.**

 **...This is going to be rough. AND I LOVE YOU AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOU AREN'T READY TO JOIN ME ON ANOTHER ANGST FILLED ADVENTURE. But I promise I would love it if you did. And I think you would love it in the end.**

 **TW: Cancer, proceed at your own risk.**

 **The title comes from Fight Song by Rachel Platten.**

Chapter 1

TPOV

He was tired. Exhausted might have been a better word. The kind of exhausted you felt in your bones. He held his daughter's hand as they walked through the big, imposing doors to the children's hospital. She was as happy as she always was, skipping beside him. He was so glad that the crushing worry he was feeling hadn't touched her yet. He would protect her fiercely, with everything that he had, but he wasn't sure that he could keep her safe from this.

She hummed something vaguely familiar under her breath as they stepped into the heavy hitting air conditioning. He paused, kneeling down and adjusting the jacket her had put her in in the car in anticipation. Hospitals were always outrageously frigid. As if sick people didn't have enough problems... they didn't need to worry about catching a cold as well. "Are you alright, princess? Not too hot?"

She shook her head, her little blonde pig tails smacking her cheeks. "No daddy! I'm perfect," she smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

"Abby," he said softly, tugging lightly on one of her pigtails. "I know this can be scary, but-"

She rolled her eyes in a way that he thought he wouldn't see for about ten more years. "It's not scary, Daddy. Last time the nurse gave me candy and a sticker and you took me for ice cream. I can get stabbed by needles a few more times if you take me to Dairy Queen again."

"I don't think this is going to be more tests," he said lightly. "Although we can still go get ice cream. I think this is going to be them telling us why you have those bruises on your arms."

Abby touched his cheek her her hand, trying to comfort him like she had seen him comfort her in the past. "I probably fell off my bike, Daddy. I live a very tactive lifepile."

He laughed a little bit, standing back up and taking her hand. He wished he could carry her, but she had a thing about wanting to look grown up in public. There were things he would fight for, but not this. Especially not today. She could cartwheel in for all he cared, as long as she was happy. He wasn't sure how long it would last. She had been getting tired so quickly and so easily lately. He wished she would let him carry her, but he would let her walk for as long as she showed him that she could handle it.

 _"Abby!"_

 _His spitfire of a daughter tore around the corner, jumping into his arms. "Daddy! Look what I made for you today. It's a chicken dressed like a ballerina, because that's what I want to be when I grow up. Don't tell the other kids, but Mrs. Park said that it was her favorite one. She tried to steal it from me so she could hang it on her fridge, but I told her no! I told her it was for my Daddy, and-"_

 _He chuckled, lifting her into his arms and pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "That is the most beautiful drawing that I've ever seen, baby. Can I put it in my wallet so I can show everyone?" He asked her seriously. The guys he worked with all had kids too, so they could shut up and indulge him when he wanted to show off his daughter's ballerina chicken._

 _She nodded enthusiastically. "That's an even better idea! I think you should especially show it to Mr. Jim. I met his daughter at that pickernic in the summer time and she was mean. So he should probably see that I'm a better drawerer than his meanie daughter is."_

 _He laughed as he wrangled her wriggling body into the car seat in the back. "Sit still, princess. I need to get you strapped in and then we'll go to Aunt Emily's house for dinner. Does that sound good?"_

 _Abby nodded happily, taking her jacket off as soon as she was in the warmth of the car. He frowned, gently snagging her wrist and examining it closely. "Abigail, what happened to your arm?"_

 _She frowned at his question and his use of her full name. She took her arm back and looked at it with a wrinkled forehead. "I don't know. Maybe I bumped it at recess?"_

That was his first indication that something was wrong, but it certainly wasn't his last.

 _He walked into her room with a frown. It wasn't normal for him to have to wake her up. Usually she was up with the sun. Usually she was jumping on his bed like a monkey, waking him up. "Abby?" He asked softly, his voice a gentle whisper in her dark room. "Are you awake?"_

 _He heard her whimper and his concern immediately heightened. He crossed the room in two long strides, kneeling neck to the bed and pulling the covers back just enough so he could see her face. "What's wrong?" He demanded in as gentle a voice as he could manage. "Are you okay?"_

 _"I don't feel good," she cried, crawling across the bed and into his arms. He caught her, holding her tightly. She didn't have a fever, but he was struck by how cold she was. It felt like she had been outside in the middle of winter without a coat. "Are you cold, baby?"_

 _She nodded into his neck. "But you're not," she whimpered. "And I feel dizzy, Daddy. I feel like I'm going to fall down if I try to stand up."_

 _He closed his eyes. He had been scared before, but this was different. Because if he could he would take on every ounce of her pain without any hesitation at all. He would gladly shoulder all of this if his daughter didn't have to go through it. Because he was afraid that this was something so much worse than a little cold. "Okay, I'm going to call and see if I can get you into the doctor tomorrow._

He stepped into the elevator, keeping a solid grip on her hand. The last thing he needed was to lose her while he was lost in his thoughts. His greatest indicator happened the day of their first doctor's appointment.

 _He sat in front of the TV, watching the news, waiting for her to come out. Usually he gave her some guidance in getting dressed, but today he didn't care if she came out dressed like a combination of Cat Woman and a Disney princess. He stared at the TV, forcing himself not to go to her room._

 _"Daddy?"_

 _At her wavery voice he shot to his feet, turning around to look at her immediately. His heart plummeted at the sight of blood covering her face and starting to run down her white shirt. He closed the gap between them, kneeling in front of her and taking her shoulders in his hands. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"_

 _She shook her head, her tears making tracks on her bloody face. "No," she whimpered. "Blood just started to pour from my nose, and it tastes like pennies. Daddy, I'm scared."_

 _He took her in his arms, paying no mind to the blood that was transferring to his skin and shirt. He said a silent prayer to whichever god was listening to take whatever it was that was plaguing her body and putting it on him. It was okay if they magnified it times one hundred. It was okay if he dropped dead right here. Because he was now positive that something was wrong, and he prayed with everything inside of him that it didn't have to be her._

He finally picked her up when they got to the correct floor, because he could feel her slowing down. She had been getting more and more tired lately, and she needed to keep up her strength, especially if they got bad news today. She clung to him, which immediately showed him that she felt worse than she was letting on. He pressed his lips to her hair as he carried them both down the long, intimidating hallway.

"Daddy, am I sick?" Abby whispered, her voice so soft that someone right next to them wouldn't hear her.

He took a long time trying to figure out how to answer. "Maybe," he decided on, unwilling to lie to her. "but if you are we'll find a way to beat it, okay? You'll be fine," he said with confidence. Because there wasn't a single thing in the world he wouldn't do to ensure his daughter's safety. He would do anything for that little girl.

She nodded tiredly, her head bobbing against his shoulder. He nudged his way through the door, settling Abby down on a chair that was much too big for her. She looked tiny as she curled up against the seat, pulling her body into a small ball. "Hey," he whispered, pushing her hair back. "I love you, Princess. I promise that everything will be alright, okay? We'll find a way to make you feel better."

She nodded again, smiling a little bit this time. "I know we will, Daddy. You're basically a superhero."

He had to choke back tears as he walked to the desk, checking them in. She had to be okay. She was all that he had, and he refused to lose her. He weighed the pros and cons of calling Jenna as he walked back to his daughter, but as always, even still, the cons vastly outweighed the pros. There was no reason to bring back the woman that had abandoned them days after Abigail was born. He didn't deserve anything, but his daughter deserved infinitely better.

He lifted Abby up and deposited her into his lap as he sat back down. He ran his fingers through her hair as he waited. He was pretty sure that she had fallen asleep, but he still continued. All he cared about right now was making her feel safe and comfortable. Anything else was a secondary concern.

He wiped away the first tear that he had allowed himself to shed all day. He was crying in anticipation. He didn't have to wait for the doctor. He knew what he was going to say. He wasn't an idiot, and she had almost every single sign and symptom. He was terrified, but he was terrified because he was pretty sure he knew what was about to happen. He was pretty sure he knew how drastically their lives were about to change.

"Toby?"

He tensed, pretty confident that he was imagining hearing the one voice that he never thought he'd hear again. It was funny had a voice that had once given him so much joy could only produce confusion and apprehension now. "Spencer?"


	2. Chapter 2

**First time around I forgot to mention that you should listen to Ronan by Taylor Swift. That is the emotion that I'm really trying to convey here.**

 **Second, I got several confused reviews about Spencer and Toby's relationship and my response is to have patience by dears. All will be revealed when the time is right.**

 **I loved the response, and I love all of you! Stick with me on this emotional ride, and I promise you won't regret it! This chapter and the last chapter were more set up chapters than anything. The next chapter really starts the story.**

TPOV

Chapter 2

It was Christmas time but it didn't feel like it. It didn't feel like Christmas because his daughter was in the hospital on the cusp of some life changing news. But hearing Spencer's voice again? It brought some of the Christmas spirit back to his heart. Being with Spencer Hastings had been like experiencing Christmas all year long. And despite the fact that they had broken up almost 6 years ago, her voice still felt that way. Like Christmas.

 _He was scared. He didn't want to admit it, and he certainly didn't want anyone to see it, but he was terrified. He didn't think that he could go home. Not for awhile. He crouched behind a tree between their houses and waited for his chest to stop bouncing like a fat person bouncing on a trampoline. It wasn't even a big deal. He didn't know why he was freaking out so much._

 _"Toby?"_

 _He about jumped out of his skin before he realized that it was just Spencer. He relaxed and looked at her with big eyes before turning them back on his house. "Hi," he whispered, gesturing for her to join him in his hiding place._

 _She crouched down next to him. "I saw you running over here and then I heard the shouting from your house. Is everything okay?"_

 _He bit down on his lip. They might have only been 12, but he had known Spencer for his whole life. And there was something about her that made him feel like maybe everything would be okay. "Can you just sit with me until they stop?" He asked her hesitantly, passing her his hoodie when he saw her bare shoulders._

 _She nodded without hesitation, immediately filling the silence with talk about school and their mutual friends, somehow sensing that her voice was doing more to comfort him any anything else could._

Seeing Spencer here was the deepest kind of irony. She had always had a tendency to pop up when he was in trouble, from the time they were born until the day that he broke her heart. He almost laughed at the way that she had found him again, on the day that he might need her more than any other.

"Hey," he said softly, his eyes going immediately to Abby to see if she'd react. Her stillness told him that she was asleep for sure. "Hey," he said again, kicking himself for not throwing in any intelligible thoughts. Spencer was so smart it was intimidating. In the past he had found it endearing, but right now he was concerned that she'd view him as a bumbling idiot. "What are you doing here?" He asked her hesitantly. He didn't see any kids with her, thank God.

She smiled sadly. "I volunteer here three times a week. Just helping to keep people calm." Her eyes were on Abigail in his lap. "Is she-" Spencer hesitated, clearly at a loss for words. "okay?"

Toby ran his hands through Abigail's hair, a pinched look on his face. "We find out today," he admitted, not sure why he was being honest with her. "but no," he said softly. "I don't think so."

Spencer sat down next to him, her eyes on the sign reading Pediatric Oncology. The sign was bright and cheery, but the words were anything but. "I want through hours of training to be able to do this," she admitted softly. "They told me the right words to say. They told me to be happy and encouraging, but it all flies out the window when you're sitting by someone facing this bull shit." She touched his arm lightly. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. Spencer had always had a way of talking that made him believe anything she said. "I'm so sorry, but maybe it will all be okay. Don't work yourself into a panic until you know you have to."

He nodded. He was going to say something to her, but Abigail's name was called before he could. His daughter had his immediate attention. He smoothed back her soft blonde curls. "Abby, princess? Wake up, okay? We need to go talk to the doctor really quick."

She yawned and sat up, looking around with tired, bleary eyes. "Okay Daddy. Then we can get ice cream?"

He smiled sadly. "Right." He glanced over at Spencer. "Abby, this is my friend-" he paused, not sure how to introduce Spencer.

"I'm Spencer," she grinned. Spencer had always been good at cheering sad people up. It had always been one of her greatest attributes. She had an infectious smile. The kind of smile that made you want to figure out all of her secrets.

Abby looked at her with a frown. "It's actually Abigail," she yawned, holding out her hand for Spencer to shake. "How do you know my daddy?"

"Abigail!" He scolded halfheartedly.

But Spencer just shook her head, smiling wider. He should have known that she would still be the master of sass. "Okay, Abigail. That's a very pretty name. Your daddy and I were really, really good friends when we were in high school."

She nodded. "Okay, Spencer." She stood up and walked over toward the toys in the corner without another word.

"I'm sorry about her," Toby offered softly. "It's just the two of us, and she gets-"

Spencer shook her head again, smiling sadly. "No, I think it's great. She's feisty. I love it."

"Spencer, I-" He didn't even know what he was going to say, but he knew that he had to say something to her. It had been six years, and he still felt endless guilt over the way things ended with her.

"It was a long time ago," she said softly, "and it was my fault too." She saved him from the hard stuff like she always had.

He wanted to talk to her more, but before he could formulate a response a nurse called Abby's name from the door. He turned to Spencer somewhat desperately. Her eyes were on a scrap of paper that she was scribbling on. She slipped the paper into his hands. "This is my number. Call me if you need anything, okay?"

He hesitated. He stepped forward, wrapping her up in a hug. "Thank you," he whispered. "I'm- I'm kind of scared, Spence." He cringed at the nickname that slipped through his lips as though no time had passed.

She didn't talk for a second and just wrapped her arms around him. "You're strong, Toby. I know that better than I know anything. You have to be strong for her. I will still be here when you get out. If you need- a friend. Just come find me, okay?"

He nodded, lingering for just another second before pulling away. "Thank you." He took Abby's hand who was waiting for him and led her into the doctor's office.

He sat in one of the plush seats with his daughter on his lap. Abby played with his phone as they waited. "What are you playing, baby?"

"Temple Run," she muttered, ignoring him for the most part. iPhone's were life's greatest distraction sometimes, and he was incredibly grateful for the fact. He didn't want her to worry. If the worst thing happened he would do everything that he could to keep her safe and happy.

He didn't know how long it too for the doctor to come in, but he knew the second he saw his face. He knew what he was going to say. His heart ached as the doctor sat down in front of them, solemnity coloring his features. A single tear ran down his cheek as he shook his head back and forth.

Dr. Washington was a lively woman. She did the best she could to make things comfortable for the children and their parents. But right now her face was as serious as he had ever seen it throughout the weeks of testing and prayers. "Mr. Cavanaugh, I am very sorry to tell you that your daughter has Acute Myelogenous Leukemia."

Toby swallowed roughly, pushing down his anguish so he could ask the questions that he needed to ask. "Abby," he said softly. "can you go play for me. Maybe go draw me a picture? The fridge is getting a bit outdated."

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! I'll go make you the cutest picture ever. You're going to love it."

As soon as she was gone he turned back to Dr. Washington. "What's the prognosis? Will she be okay?"

"The survival rate is 64%, but that covers such a wide range of children," Dr. Washington said softly. "Abigail is young, healthy, and of a normal weight. All of those things together mean that she has a much better chance for survival. But we're going to want to start treatment immediately to give her the best chance possible."

He closed his eyes. His daughter had a 56% chance of dying in the next few years. "What treatment?" His voice broke as the ugly possibilities weighed heavily on his mind.

Dr. Washington put a soft hand on his arm. "We will start with chemo and hope that that works. It often works very well. And if that doesn't work we'll go through a second round of chemo and begin searching for a bone marrow donor. We'll do everything we can to help her get through this, Mr. Cavanaugh."

Toby nodded. "I-" he swallowed, refusing to cry in front of her. "I know. W-when will we make the appointment for?"

Dr. Washington hesitated. "Two days from now. It gives you time to prepare, because with the aggressive treatment of the chemo and the high doses she will need to have it done as an inpatient procedure. When she checks in on Friday we will do tests and prepare her body for the chemo, and then we will begin."

That would give him time to request a leave of absence from work. And they could go shopping after the ice cream. If she was going to be stuck in the hospital he would buy her some new toys to help her get through it, and maybe a cheap tablet. He would have to call the insurance company, and- He shook his head, trying to clear it. There was just so much that he had to do. "We'll see you then," he said softly. He took a second to collect himself before standing up and holding his hand out for Abby, who immediately came to him. As soon as he felt her little fingers in his he was torn between laughing and crying.

Because Spencer was right. It was pointless to panic, it was pointless to get upset until he knew that there was nothing left for him to do. This wasn't the time for tears, this was the time to fight like hell to give his daughter the life that she deserved.

He walked back into the waiting room, and as soon as he saw Spencer perched in the same chair all of that resolve went out the window. He walked back over to her stepping into her ready arms like it hadn't been 6 years since that last spoke. That was why he had kept his distance, really. He knew that she deserved better, but he also knew that if he saw her he wouldn't be able to stop himself from falling into her as deeply as he had the first time.

 _His heart felt light. It was like he was floating, flying. Like nothing bad could ever touch him. He was home. "Are you sure this is what you want?" He had to give her an out. He had to make sure that this was what she wanted before he made another move._

 _She lightly brushed her lips over his, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. "Yes," she breathed, leaning in to kiss him deeply._

 _She smelled so good. Like apples and vanilla. He loved her. He couldn't tell her yet, but he knew that he did. He loved her, and he wanted to spend forever with her._

"Spence," he whispered into her hair. It still smelled like apples and vanilla, but it didn't feel like home anymore. It felt like the worst kind of guilt. "I don't know what to do."


	3. Chapter 3

**If you are confused, good. I love the reviews. I love the theories! This chapter should give you more to theorize on! Next two chapters will be Toby's POV and then we're back to Spencer's in chapter 6 where you figure out all of her secrets. And Mama Cavanaugh will be in the next chapter (SHE'S ALIVE HERE) and that's something to look forward to.**

 **REVIEW LOVE YOU.**

Chapter 3

SPOV

Was it wrong to want to take away all the pain of the man who shattered your heart? Toby Cavanaugh had caused her more pain than any other person on the planet, but it caused her even more pain to see the tears staining his cheeks and the confused little girl hovering next to them.

She was alone. She had been for- awhile now. She could take it. She could shoulder it. No child deserved to go through this, her life had taught her at least that much. But it didn't work like that. She knew that she couldn't physically take anything, so it was up to her to alleviate it with her actions. She knew what pain felt like and she wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially not Toby.

She wasn't making sense, but what did make sense anymore? Because what she indisputably called the worst thing that could happen to someone was happening to Toby, and she hated it. She hated it, and she hated herself for hating it because he broke her heart. Shouldn't she be wishing all the pain in the world on him?

But she couldn't, not to Toby. Never to Toby. Because he had saved her far more times than he had broken her. The gratitude far outweighed the pain.

She ran a gentle hand up and down his back, glancing at Abigail. "Do you mind if I come with you to get that ice cream, kiddo? I'll even buy it."

The way she sized her up was as amusing as it was endearing. She finally nodded. "I guess that's okay as long as you let me get sprinkles."

Spencer grinned. "I'll even let you get extra sprinkles."

Abigail nodded. "Okay. Daddy," she tugged on Toby's hand, and she could actually feel what it took for Toby to pull away from her. "We're going to go get ice cream with Miss Spencer."

Toby looked at her sadly before turning to look back at Spencer. "Spence, you don't have-"

Spencer returned his smile, being as encouraging as she could be. He needed someone right now, and honestly, as painful as it was it see him, it also felt good. It felt right. "I want to." She turned to Abigail now. "Do you have a favorite place? If not, I know this really cool ice cream place right across the street." She didn't want to think of the other times that she had visited. Maybe if she could create some new memories there it would be easier to pass the doors.

Abigail nodded, cracking a smile for the first time. "I love new places. Why do you like it? I just like ice cream because it's cold and good and I just love it. My grandma likes ice cream too. Do you know my grandma, Miss Spencer? She's nice and pretty."

Spencer let go of Toby and took Abigail's hand. "I do know your grandma. She is really pretty. She used to make me chocolate chip cookies when I was sad." She left out the fact that she had seen Toby's mom less than a year ago. She was certain that she hadn't told Toby of their conversation, and he didn't need to know. Especially not now.

 _She didn't know what to do, so she went home. It had been about a year since she had been back in Rosewood. She made infrequent visits anymore. She didn't want to run into him. But right now she couldn't be bothered with the ghosts of her past. Right now she needed her mom._

 _She walked up the steps, tears clinging to her eye lashes. But as much as she banged on the door no one answered. It was so like her mother to not be there the one time in her entire life that she was willing to admit that she needed help. She felt empty. It was like a huge, crushing void was filling her soul. She shouldn't be alone. Not right now._

 _"Spencer?"_

 _It wasn't... him. But it was almost as bad. She tried to dry her tears, but she couldn't. She couldn't calm herself down. She was lucky she was even managing to remain on her own two feet. "I- I'm s-sorry," she stuttered, forcing the words out._

 _Mrs. Cavanaugh shook her head, holding an arm out for her. "Come on, sweetheart. Tell me what's wrong."_

 _She shook her head, but Mrs. Cavanaugh didn't take no for an answer, immediately drawing her in for a hug. And it was in that moment, not when she entered Rosewood but right in that moment, that she felt like she was at home again. "I just feel like I've lost everything," she whispered into her shirt. This was her breaking moment, her final straw. Did she even want to go on from here?_

Abigail nodded enthusiastically, oblivious to the barrage of memories that had just run through the older woman's head. "I love those cookies. They taste like yumminess and happiness in my belly."

Spencer nodded, smiling a little. She glanced up at Toby, suddenly struck by the face that this was the man that broke her heart into a thousand pieces. But he looked like his whole world was shattering right now, and if she could help him she would do it. "Toby, do you want me to drive?"

He hesitated. "Spencer, you don't have to-"

She rolled her eyes. At least somethings hadn't changed. "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to." She unlocked the doors as she approached her sensible, black SUV. "I'm done here today anyway, and I can drop you off at your car when we're done."

Toby nodded, climbing into the car. "Spence," he said softly.

She touched his arm as she climbed in next to him. "I know."

"So about that ice cream," Abigail sang as she buckled in behind them.

Spencer smiled and put her keys in the ignition, but before she pulled out she was suddenly struck by an idea. She grabbed her bag from the hospital and reached inside, pausing as her fingers touched something soft. She took a deep breath and pulled it out. "Abigail," she said hesitantly. "someone really special gave this bear to me, and I was wondering if you could take care of it for me. She told me that it helped her sleep at night, but I sleep plenty. Do you think that you could use it more than me?"

Abigail's eyes widened. "How did you know that I have troubling sleeping? I always think about the monsters or my mommy or maybe a ghost and it just makes me more wide awake than I was all day."

She really was Toby's daughter. She remembered comforting him after the terrors that haunted him at night. "I didn't," she said softly, forcing the words out around the lump in her throat. "I just had a feeling that you could use him more than me right now."

 _She wasn't sure what had woken her up until it happened again. He thrashed next to her, crying out to some unknown enemy. "Toby," she said softly, putting a hand on his face. "Toby, wake up."_

 _He whimpered again, sweat beading on his forehead. She put her other hand on his other cheek, stopping him from moving his head entirely. "Toby," she said with a little more force behind it. "Wake up."_

 _His eyes jerked open so fast that it scared her. She yelped, but she quickly collected herself. "It's okay. You're okay," she soothed. "You're alright."_

 _He sat up suddenly, letting himself fall into her arms. Her back was against the cool plaster wall, so she was able to support the two of them. He buried his face in her neck. "I'm sorry," he whispered. She could feel his tears, but she pretended like she couldn't. "I'm s-sorry I just-"_

 _She cut him off. "Don't apologize," she said gently. "You didn't do anything wrong. Do you want to talk about it?"_

 _He hesitated. "It's the same as always," he whispered into the dark. "They're fighting and he goes too far. And I'm just really scared, Spence. I don't know what to do, but she won't leave. But this time you were there, and-" He shook his head. "I can't-"_

 _She ran her fingers through his hair. "You don't have to, but I'm here if you want to."_

 _"That means everything," he said softly, "really."_

She still wasn't sure how they went from that to the near strangers that were sitting next to each other in her car, and it was honestly breaking her heart a little bit. It was like she could see into his soul, but the stuff on the surface was what was hazy. She was very far sighted when it came to Toby Cavanaugh.

Abigail took the small, stuffed bear that hadn't left her bag in over a year, and hugged it to her chest. "What's his name?"

"Hermes," Spencer said softly, watching her carefully in the rear view mirror as she pulled out.

Abigail didn't say anything for a few minutes. "Spencer?"

Spencer glanced at her, making eye contact in the mirror. "What's up, kiddo?"

"I think it's okay if you call me Abby now."

Those words made the tears that were already burning at her eyes well up a bit further, but she kept them down. She had a lot of practice at hiding her tears. She pulled into the parking lot with a shaky smile. "Are you ready for a bucket of ice cream, Abby?" She tried out the new name.

Abby grinned. "I like you, Spencer." She crawled out of the car and around toward Toby's door, pulling it open before Spencer had even fully managed to extricate herself from the car. Abby was practically bouncing of the walls with excitement, and it was great. It was perfect because she wasn't going to get this for awhile again. She was a beautiful little girl who didn't deserve this. Ice cream wouldn't change anything at all, but it would be nice if she could make her smile before her hell started.

Toby looked a lot worse than Abigail did, but that was to be expected. You never expected to be the one to watch your children suffer. Volunteering and life had taught her that pretty quickly. It wasn't fair, but what was fair, really? He picked her up, and for a second she looked disgruntled, but in the end she allowed it. "Daddy," she whined, smiling a little bit.

He kissed the side of her head, somehow still managing to hold the door to the ice cream parlour open for Spencer in the process. "What? I'm not going to be able to do this for much longer, Princess." If she hadn't known Toby as well as she had at one time, she never would have known that he was upset. But he wasn't getting anything by her.

Abby rolled her eyes. "Yes you will, Daddy. You're as strong as Superman."

Spencer couldn't stop the laughter at that comment. It was so beautiful, the way that she looked up to Toby. And she was so glad that Toby had someone that loved him unconditionally, because he deserved that. He broke her, but she knew that whatever his reason was it wasn't because he wanted to. She still remembered the grief in his eyes when they said goodbye for that last time. He felt like he had to. She just had never gotten to the bottom of what had made him feel that way. But regardless of what he had done to her, Toby was the best that humanity had to offer, and he deserved all the love in the world, something that his childhood had been heartbreakingly absent of.

Toby caught up to her. "Where do you work now, Spence? Did you finish at Georgetown?"

She nodded. "I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm working on my PhD right now."

He smiled sadly at her. "I can see you haven't changed. No one but Spencer Hastings would have the stamina to work a full time job, go to college, and volunteer frequently."

She grinned, doing the best she could to hide the true emotions she felt at that observation. It wasn't for no reason that she kept herself that busy. "I do what I can."

"Spencer!"

An elderly woman squealed and ducked around the counter. She immediately wrapped her up in one of her signature bear hugs. "Spencer Hastings, I missed you. How are you doing?"

She smiled hesitantly, glancing at Abby and Toby, making it clear that she didn't want to talk about certain things. "I'm great, Betty. How are you? I know. I'm sorry I haven't stopped by, I just-"

Better shook her head indulgently, placing a forgiving hand on her shoulder. "God knows I shouldn't have been your first priority in all of that. But please let me know if you need anything, sweetheart."

Spencer nodded. "I will, I promise. I do need three bowls though," she said as she pulled at her wallet.

Betty waved her away. "Your money isn't any good here," she demanded. "Go eat all the ice cream you have room for."

"Betty-" she didn't like handouts, especially when she had more money than she knew what to do with.

"You've spent more money here than any of my other customers," she said seriously. "Go get yourself and your friends some ice cream and enjoy yourself again."

She smiled, thanking the woman by squeezing her hand. She walked back toward Toby and Abigail. She didn't know what the future had in store, but she was absolutely certain that her life had just taken a dramatic twist. And she still wasn't sure whether or not she was upset about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**I am so sorry that this took so long! I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY, WAH! But next chapter you get Spencer's secret, you get mama cavanaugh, and you get more Toby and Abby action. It'll be great. I have just been so busy! I am glad you guys are liking this story so far! I am LOVING that you are confused in all the right places. All will be answered soon, I promise!**

 **In better news, I am on christmas break right now, so I promise at least a few updates the next two weeks! LOVE YOU ALL! And I hope your holidays are all magical :)**

Chapter 4

TPOV

As he walked into the hospital, Abby's hand in his, he was hoping to see Spencer; and that thought disgusted him on so many levels. His daughter was here to start her _chemo._ How could he possibly think of anything but her? But even besides that, he broke Spencer's heart. She seemed well-adjusted now, but despite what she might think, he had never completely erased from his mind the anguished set of her face when he told her.

But he had done what he had to do. She deserved better than him.

 _He felt like his heart was ripping in two. He had known her parents for his whole life. He liked her parents, and maybe that was why what he overheard was hitting him so hard. It felt like a punch to the gut to realize that people you respect and admire thought badly of you._

 _"I always thought she'd outgrow him." "Not ambitious enough. He's holding her back." "His life is kind of sad, really." "Spencer can do better. I've put a block on her trust fund. That might persuade her this time."_

 ** _Spencer can do better._**

 _He knew that. He knew that Spencer could do better, but to hear someone else articulate one of your deepest, innermost insecurities, was an insurmountable blow. Because now that was all he could think about. Spencer could do better._

 _"Toby!"_

 _He covered his ears with shaking hands. He couldn't hear her. He couldn't see her. Not until he got out of this head space. But he should have known that she would come after him. And she should have known his reluctance wouldn't stop her when she could see that he was this upset. He had known her for 100% of his life. He knew her better than he knew himself. He should have known._

 _She tugged his hands away. "Toby, listen to me. I don't care! I don't care about them or what they have to say! I only care about you." Her hands were on his face, directing his eyes toward hers with persistent fingers. "I promise, I don't care. I don't care about them or the money. I only want you."_

 _He shook his head, willing the tears back. "I do though, because they're ri-"_

 _"Toby Cavanaugh, I swear to God if you say they are right I will smack you."_

 _He put a finger on her lips, immediately quieting her. "I can think of a time when I won't love you, Spencer. Every time, every day. But this? I can't do this anymore. I can't keep holding you back." It wasn't as if these were new fears. He had always been terrified that he would be the reason she refused some life changing, amazing opportunity._

 _He had to end it before it came to that. He had to set her free, to give her the life that she deserved. She was the only thing that was more important than what he wanted._

 _"Toby-"_

 _He shook his head again, brushing his lips over her forehead, forcing himself to acknowledging that this would have to be the last time he did this. "I'm sorry, Spencer."_

 _Her eyes were full of tears when he pulled away. "No! No, I don't accept this. You don't mean this. Don't let them do this to us!"_

 _"I do though. I should have done this a long time ago." Nothing could make him hate himself more than in this moment... the pain on the face was enough to make him sick to his stomach. But it was right. It was the right thing for him to do. He should have done it the moment he realized just how much better she was than him. "I'm sorry, Spence. I shouldn't have- I'm sorry." He turned away then, because if he didn't go right at that moment he never would be able to bring himself to move._

"Daddy?"

Abigail had his immediate attention, as she should have from the very beginning. He knelt down next to her and pushed her hair back and out of her eyes. "What's up, princess?"

She hesitated. "If someone was about to go to the doctor to treat their cansmer and they told you that were a tiny, little bit scared, what would you say to them?"

He was going to cry. He was actually going to cry. "I would tell them that they are big and strong and that they're going to be able to beat it."

"Even though they're scareded?" She whispered.

"Especially because they're scared," he confirmed. "How are you supposed to be brave if you aren't a little bit afraid?"

He led her by her hand to the pediatric oncology ward. He forced himself not to look for Spencer. What right did he have to the comfort of her presence anyway? He broke her heart, he had tried and failed to move on with Jenna... yet every single road seemed to lead back to her. But he should have known that Abigail would be looking. Once someone won her over they were her best friend for life. "SPENCER!"

He cringed at his daughter's bellow. She pulled her hand out of his and sprinted across the waiting room. Spencer gave her a smile and dropped down in front of her to say something, making eye contact with him first. She smoothed her hair back and gave her a hug, whispering something into her ear. He gave them a minute before joining them. "Spence, I-"

Spencer shook her head again. "Don't worry about it." She gave him one of the looks that he had missed so much. "Are you going to be okay?"

He never had had an easy time lying to her. "I don't know," he said lowly, hoping that Abby didn't hear it.

She gave him a hard look. "Do you want me to come with you?" She asked in a tight voice.

"Spence, I-"

She shook her head, even still knowing him better than anyone else. "I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to, Toby," she murmured, standing up and taking Abby's other hand. They walked together into the doctor's office.

The young nurse did a double take when she saw Spencer, her face crumbling a little bit. "Spencer, I-"

Spencer was quick to cut her off. "Don't apologize," she demanded, which confused him. "I'm here with my friends Toby and Abby."

Abby brightened at Spencer's referring to her as a friend. "I'm here for treatament for my camcer," she said, almost proudly, which was heartbreaking in and of itself.

The nurse clamped a hand on Abby shoulder, but she kept her eyes on Spencer. "Are you sure? I-"

Spencer gave her a tight smile, some kind of pain on her face. "I just want to focus on this for right now, okay?" She said softly, ruffling Abby's hair.

Toby felt confused and nostalgic all at the same time. He didn't understand why this nurse was acting strange, but his heart warmed at the way Spencer was able to keep his scared daughter calm. He always knew that Spencer would be great with kids.

 _"You know, when girls ask guys to come babysit with them they usually mean something different," Toby laughed a little bit, putting some red finger paint on the clown's nose._

 _Spencer laughed as she smeared blue paint over her mom's boss's son's cheek. "If you don't know that I'm not like most girls at this point there isn't any hope for you, Cavanaugh."_

The appointment was a blur of needles, vomit, and tears. It was honestly something that he would prefer not to remember. But the highlight of the day was Spencer who was always ready with a cool rag, a barf bucket, or a stupid joke. She saved them, really.

But what really saved them was the way that she stepped up when he couldn't. He was shocked, terrified, and he was unsure. But she stepped in like she owned the place, doing exactly what she needed to do to help Abby in the best way.

"I'm going to call my mom," he said softly.

Spencer waved him away, pushing Abby on one of the swings in the play room at the hospital. One of the benefits of a children's hospital was the outrageous amounts of funding that it received. The cancer ward of the hospital had a full sized swing set, basketball court, and jungle gym type equipment in the massive playroom. "Don't worry. I'm just playing with my new best friend."

"That's me, Daddy!" Abby interjected. Her voice was an equal mix of excited and exhausted, and just the sound alone tugged at his already tattered heart strings. "I'm Miss Spencer's best friend!"

He smiled. "That's great, Princess. Miss Spencer is a pretty great friend to have." He gave Spencer a significant look as he stepped into the hallway. Spencer had been his best friend for most of his life, so he could vouch for that pretty thoroughly.

 _He sat down in the grass in front of his house, silently coloring with sidewalk chalk. He was drawing a rocketship that was taking off to explore the stars. Space was so cool. Who knew what was up there?_

 _"Hi Toby! Can I play with you?"_

 _He looked up and smiled at his neighbor. Spencer was in his class at school, and she had a lot of friends. Maybe if she was his friend too the other kids would want to play with him at recess. "Yeah sure. I'm making a rocket ship."_

 _It wasn't until he finished talking that he noticed the small blonde across the yard. "Spence, why are you talking to Creepy Cavanaugh?" She whined, tugging on her pig tail. "Come swimming with me!"_

 _He frowned. Alison DiLaurentis, Spencer's other neighbor, was not very nice. She was the meanest girl in 4th grade, and he wished she lived so far away from him; especially now that it seemed like Spencer might want to be his friend. He didn't want Alison to scare her away, although he thought that it might be too late._

 _Spencer glared at Alison from across the yard. "Don't call him that! His name is Toby, and I don't want you to bully my friend!"_

It was stupid, but it had taken a lot of bravery to stand up to the school bully when they were 11. And she had never let up defending him to anyone and anything that hurt him; she was still doing it now. And he had repaid her by breaking her heart. He was such an unimaginable bastard.

He stood in the hallway, quickly dialing the phone number, waiting for his mom to pick up.

 _"Hey baby. How did it go?"_

He kept his voice soft. "Alright. They think it went well, but they want her to stay for a few more hours for observation. She's playing in the play room right now."

 _"That's great! Do you want me to come now and help you get home?"_

"That'd be perfect. Thanks mom." He paused. "You'll never guess who I ran into here."

 _"Who?"_

He didn't know why he was telling her this. His mom had loved Spencer and was livid with him when he had broken up with her, no matter how many times he had explained his reasoning. "Spencer," he said softly. "I know what you're thinking, but-"

 _"Toby, don't-"_

He nodded. "I know, I know. Don't hurt her again. But you know I didn't mean to hurt her last time. I just thought it was-"

 _"Seriously, Toby, there's something you don't-"_

But whatever she was going to say wasn't as important as the image he saw of his daughter collapsing in front of the swings. Spencer was already on her knees next to her, turning her onto her side. "Toby," she said softly and calmly. "go hit the big red button by the door." When he froze she repeated her words. "Go hit it now," she said harshly.

She turned her attention back to Abby, smoothing her hair out of her face. She didn't even flinch as she puked, soaking Spencer's knees in the vomit. "It's okay," she said softly. "it's okay. Help will be in here soon."

He only noticed that she was crying when he found it in himself to sit down next to them. He wanted to comfort her, but he had to focus on Abby first. He took her shoulder from Spencer, holding her in the same position. Spencer continued to smooth her hair back, running two fingers through her mouth every time she puked, making sure that the airway was clear.

It felt like two hours, but after a minute or so a team of doctors rushed in. A few did a double take as they saw Spencer. "Hastings, what-"

She shook her head, wiping away her tears that were still falling as she walked out of the room.

He would find her later, but right now he had to focus on his daughter. He had to know why everyone in this hospital, and hell, even the ice cream parlor, treated her like she was made of glass. He had to know her secret. He followed after the stretcher, keeping his eyes on Abby, but a part of his heart went with Spencer.


	5. Chapter 5

**This is so long, but I genuinely can't split it up, sorry not sorry!**

 **1) YOUR REVIEWS ARE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY! They are so sweet.**

 **2) This is sort of early, but you deserve it because I am so busy when I'm not on break. I've made you wait before, and I'm sure I'll do it again. So today you get a quickie chapter!**

 **3) THIS MIGHT MAKE YOU CRY, SORRY NOT SORRY AGAIN.**

 **4) No, I don't have any PLL related social media, sorry! I mean I have a spoby tumblr, but I haven't been on it lately, because again, busy. But it's heartspobyy, if you would like to follow me. If I announce updates anywhere it WOULD be there.**

 **5) Not a doctor, doing what I can on the medical side of things.**

TPOV

He sat on the edge of Abby's bed, watching her sleep. It had been normal. The doctors said that her react had been routine, but what he had seen had been anything but routine. He had listened to them talk about cancer. He had done the research, but until that moment he hadn't been able to connect in his mind that Abby had cancer. But now he knew. How was he supposed to comprehend that his little girl may be dying and there was nothing he could do about it but hold her hand and pray for the best?

And then there was Spencer. There was something going on with her. He felt like an asshole for not noticing it earlier, but he supposed that it was reasonable that his focus had been on his daughter. But not that he had realized it it was as obvious as anything had been. Spencer had never been very good at hiding what she was feeling; not from him anyway.

"Toby."

He turned around, trying his best to keep his brave face on. But it was hard in front of his mom. Most people loved their moms, but he had a special kind of relationship with his. They had been through hell and back together, and she could see through him like his mind was an open door. "Mom," he said softly, standing up and meeting her at the door.

The two of them hugged each other tightly for a long moment before pulling away. His mom took his hand. "Toby... is she okay? Because I need to talk to you about something unrelated, and I'm not going to do it over my granddaughter's body if she needs me more."

He nodded. "It was a typical reaction. Because it was her first time it was just harder to judge. Next time they'll keep her a little longer after her chemo."

She hesitated. "Okay," she whispered. "then it is about Spencer. Are you- are you in a place where you can hear it?"

"Do you know what's wrong with her?" Abby would be fine for a moment. She had his full attention right now. "She's been acting weird, and I know I have no right to anything after what I did, but if I can help I want to."

She hesitated. "I was sitting on the porch one afternoon about 5 months ago. She walked to her front door, crying so hard that I could hear it from my seat. I watched for a minute, and when no one was home she collapsed onto the ground, crying harder. I walked across and sat next to her. After awhile she started to tell me the most heartbreaking story."

"What did she tell you, mom?" He was dreading the answer. What had she gone through, and could he have made it better if he had been there for her?

His mom put a gentle hand on his arm, giving him a sad look. "She told me that about a year after you two broke up she had a baby. The dad wasn't in the picture. She raised her on her own. But then-" She closed her eyes. "then her baby got cancer, and she was sick for about a year until she died about a week before she showed up on her parents' porch. She wanted to ask them why they didn't show up to her funeral."

He didn't know whether to cry or to scream. He didn't know what to think or feel, but he knew that he had to find her. He needed to find Spencer. "Mom, can you watch Abby? I need-" he ran a hand over his eyes. "I need to find her."

She smiled sadly. "I think you need each other," she whispered. "you always have, but especially now. Go fix it, Toby. Abby will be fine until you get back."

He nodded and walked quickly out the door. He knew where she would be. He didn't have to think too hard about it.

* * *

SPOV

She had built a carefully constructed wall around her heart and her mind. Her heart was always with Reagan, but her mind couldn't be. If her heart and her mind were both with her daughter she would be overwhelmed with grief every single moment of the day. She wouldn't be able to breath. She wouldn't be able to think. She wouldn't be able to go on. She wouldn't even want to go on.

Something had broken in her when Toby left her. It was like she lost sight of who she was. That was proven in the way that Reagan was born.

 _She was hot, sweating really. This was decidedly not her scene, but maybe it could be. Maybe she could make this who she was. She pulled her shirt down, showing off the little bit of cleavage she had, dancing up against some equally sweaty guy. He smiled and drew her in, putting his hands on her hips._

 _Every alarm bell was going off in her mind. This was wrong. This wasn't who she was. What about Toby?_

 _Screw Toby. Screw Toby Cavanaugh, because if it were up to her she wouldn't be doing this with anyone but him. If it had been up to her he would have been the only man she ever loved, but he decided to let his insecurities get in the way. He decided to break her heart, so this was what she was left with. This was what he created._

 _The sweaty guy leaned down and whispered into her ear. "Want to get out of here?"_

 _She stopped dancing for a second. It felt like an eternity, really. It felt like her whole life was passing by in the seconds it was taking for her to decide. If she said yes was there any going back? Was this something you could come back from? Was it something she even wanted to come back from?_

 _She thought of the life she had had with Toby, of the life that she had wanted with Toby. Apparently that was no longer a possibility. Was this an alternative that she could live with? Did she even care?_

 _Fuck it. She smiled and nodded, letting the guy lead her up the stairs and out to his car._

Somehow the worst decision she had ever made had quickly turned into the best. There she was, a college junior with a remarkably absent family and a baby that she didn't know what to do with. But Reagan had been perfect, and she had had no shortage of friends to help her. For two years she struggled, but her life was so full of love that she didn't care. She had had everything that she had ever wanted... except for Toby.

But enough time had passed that Toby Cavanaugh was like the nicest dream. The kind that she remembered fondly, but it was so out of reach that it didn't feel real anymore.

 _She laid out on the couch, Reagan laying next to her. She was falling asleep, but she was going to watch Survivor. She ran her fingers through the short, curly length on the top of her squirming one year old's head, hoping to keep her calm long enough for her to watch the show she had been waiting and wanting to watch all day._

 _Spencer yawned, rubbing her eyes tiredly. Reagan put a chubby hand on her cheek and frowned. "Mama tired?"_

 _Spencer laughed a little bit. "Mommy is super tired. It's an old person problem."_

 _"You still the prettiest mommy."_

 _Her heart soared. It was stupid, it really was. But she was barely 20. It was so hard to do this on her own, but when her daughter said things like that it all felt worth it. It felt like someone noticed the sacrifices and struggles that she was making. "I love you, baby."_

 _"Love you the mostest, mommy."_

For awhile things were as good as they could be, but she should have known well enough to know that it couldn't last. Nothing good in her life stayed.

She stumbled up to the 12th floor. It was a miracle she didn't run in to anyone. She leaned against the wall in front of the nursery, sliding down to the floor, wrapping two arms around her legs. She let out a sob, hoping that people would leave her alone. But when her mind was so focused on death she had to be around these new lives. She had to be around birth and happiness. She had to remember that there was some good left in the world. That was her reason for hanging on.

 _"I'm sorry to inform you that Reagan has cancer. Leukemia to be more specific. It is in her best interest that we start treatment immediately."_

 _She didn't understand. She couldn't comprehend those words together. Every single thing she had ever read, every book she had ever read was a different combination of twenty-six letters. But she never fathomed that she would be hearing that particular combination. "I'm sorry?"_

 _"I know it can be hard to hear, Miss Hastings, but if we are going to give her a chance we have to be brave and we have to start now." The doctor was older enough to be her grandpa, and it was comforting, in a way. She had never known her grandparents. "Is Reagan's father..."_

 _"Reagan's father is not in the picture," Spencer answered immediately. "It's just me and I'll do whatever it takes. Just let me know what you need me to do."_

 _Reagan wriggled in her arms, twisting around to look at her. "Mommy. Why you sad? You crying?"_

 _Spencer forced a laugh and wiped away the tears she hadn't even realized were falling. "No, baby. No, I'm alright. Why don't you go play with the toys?"_

 _Reagan nodded. "Okay! I'll color you a picture." She jumped off her lap and went to examine the crayons in the corner._

 _The doctor smiled. "I've seen a lot of really tragic cases, Miss Hastings. But what I can tell you is that almost universally, the children that end up making a full recovery are the ones with unrelenting family support. Reagan already has that going for her." He shuffled through some papers. "I see that her middle name is Athena. Why did you chose that?"_

 _Spencer bit down on her lip, refusing to cry here. She wouldn't allow her inability to control her emotions frighten her daughter. "Athena is the Greek goddess of wisdom and war. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I know that if I can teach my daughter to be wise and to go to battle for the things that she believes in than I won't have made a mistake with her."_

She watched a beaming man peer into the window, looking at his new son or daughter. She had to physically hold herself back from going to him. She had to stop herself from telling him to kiss his baby. To tell him to tell his baby that he loved them, to cherish every second he had with them. When you have a child you think that you have an eternity, because that is how it should be. A parent should never lose their child. There's no word to describe that pain. But when you lose them part of the pain is the regret. You regret the nights that you didn't tuck them into bed. You regret all the things they asked you for and you didn't do. You regret the toys you couldn't afford and the time you didn't have. You regret not giving them a lifetime of happiness in the short time that they had on Earth.

She didn't know why she was being such a basket case over this. Toby and Abby probably thought that she was losing her mind, and it was her own fault. She had had every opportunity to come clean, to tell Toby about Reagan. But she couldn't, because when she was with Toby it was easy to let go for just a little bit of time. He had been with her throughout her entire life, except for her years with Reagan. When she was with Toby it was easier to push down the pain, because he knew her. He really, truly knew her. But he didn't know that part of her, and it felt good to have someone know who she was without treating her like she was going to break. It felt good to have someone treat her like the Spencer she was before she lost her daughter.

But that wasn't who she was anymore, and Abby's episode in the play room showed her that.

 _It was always a challenge to get Reagan to sit still, but it was especially difficult today. She had been bedridden for weeks whilst they doctors pumped her little body full of chemicals in the name of making her well. It was all so backwards, but she wasn't the one with the medical degree, so she kept quiet. "Baby, sit still," she begged, "just until I finish with your hair."_

 _"But Mommy," Reagan whined. "I just want to go play. I don't care if my hair looks like a bee's nest!"_

 _Spencer laughed. "A bird's nest," she corrected gently. "Bees have hives."_

 _Reagan sighed dramatically, as she always did when Spencer corrected her. "I can't be on Jeopardy until I'm like 12, Mommy. Stop trying to train me."_

 _Spencer laughed harder at that. "What do you want for dinner?" She changed the subject, because as much as she appreciated Reagan's sass, she was fairly certain that most adults would find it insulting. She couldn't quite bring herself to snuff it out, but she thought that changing the subject was a small step in the right direction._

 _"Um, maybe-"_

 _The door the the hospital room slammed open, causing both of them to jump. Hanna's blonde head poked in, a huge smile on her face. It was only because she knew Hanna so well that she could tell that it was forced. "Never fear, Aunt Hanna's here!"_

 _"Auntie Hannie!" Reagan shrieked, squirming away from Spencer and crawling across the hospital bed to meet Hanna. Spencer was deeply appreciative that the IVs had been temporarily removed at that point, because Reagan's erratic movement would have ripped them out. "I missed you!"_

 _Hanna laughed at the name. "Hannie makes me feel old, kiddo."_

 _"Nicknames are the best compliment because it means you like someone a lot," Reagan explained in a matter-of-fact voice. "And you're my favorite aunt, so you get a nickname."_

 _"Okay, well when you explain it like that I suddenly feel okay with you calling me Hannie. But also, I know you're your mother's daughter." Hanna turned to Spencer with a smirk. "I didn't know you when you were three, Spence, but I swear that if you tell me you didn't sound like that I'm going to call you a liar." Hanna didn't give her a chance to respond before turning back to Reagan. "I got you a present, kiddo." Hanna held a stuffed bear out. "It's a special bear, Rea. It'll keep the bad dreams away."_

 _Reagan squealed again and took the bear, holding it to her chest. "How did you know I was having bad dreams?"_

 _She closed her eyes. She would have a lifetime of tears to cry once Reagan was better. She refused to cry in front of her now. She wouldn't add an iota to her daughter's pain. Hanna gave Spencer a sad look before turning back to Reagan. "The bear told me when I was shopping. What will you name him?"_

 _"Hermes!" Reagan said, excitement in her voice. "He gave messages to the other Greek gods just like the message he gave you in the store. He's the best bear ever."_

 _Hanna and Spencer laughed together at Reagan's announcement. Spencer reached back out and pulled Reagan into her lap again. Her daughter was such a nerd._

Even when your child gets sick you take on this blind hope mentality. You just _know_ that even though your child has cancer they are going to be the one to beat it. You don't care what you have to do to get that miracle for your baby, you'll do it. You never really consider the ugly possibility that they might not make it.

That was the worst part, coming to the realization that her daughter really might die; that she might have to bury her 4 year old daughter. The worst moment in her life was when her mentality shifted from blind hope to a crushing acceptance. Her daughter was going to die.

 _The only sound in the room was the steady beeping of the machines that were keeping her daughter alive. Beep, beep, beep. When this nightmare first started it was the background noise, the soundtrack to this epic saga. Now it was the only noise she could hear in what she was slowly coming to realize were Reagan's final days._

 _The doctors didn't need to tell her, although they had quickly learned not to sugarcoat information. She was intelligent enough to see that the treatments weren't working anymore. She was deteriorating too quickly it to keep up. Throughout the course of the past year she had blindly trusted that the medicine would do their job. She trusted the doctors who said that Reagan had a shot. She let them poison her body in the name of making her better, but all it had really done was ruin what was clearly going to be her final months. Sure, maybe the treatments had bought her a little time, but at what cost? She would have been better off taking Reagan home to die comfortably rather than having had subjected her to agonizing treatment after agonizing treatment._

 _She wanted to scream. She wanted to sob and cry and scream and break things. She wanted to hurt the doctors as much as they had hurt her daughter. She wanted destroy everything she could touch and watch the world burn. She wanted to make everyone hurt as badly as she did._

 _But she couldn't. She wiped away the tears that had escaped and took a few calming breaths. She had to be strong for a little while longer, because when Reagan was gone it wouldn't matter anymore. Nothing would matter anymore. Nothing mattered **now,** but making that beautiful little girl as comfortable as she could._

 _She sat on the edge of the bed, smoothing Reagan's sweaty hair out of her face. "You doing alright, baby?"_

 _Reagan pried her eyes open, and Spencer had to choked down a sob at the effort that it took. "Can I have some w-water?" She rasped out, her voice nothing more than a whisper. The medication that they had forced down her throat reducing her vocal chords to a swollen, tattered mess._

 _"Of course," she whispered. It was as loud a voice as she could manage, all things considered. "Rea, can I tell you something?"_

 _Reagan nodded, looking a little tearful herself. Spencer smiled sadly and sat down next to her, pulling her fragile little body against hers. "I just want you to know one thing, okay? Even if you forget every other thing I've ever told you, I want you to remember this. You are brave. You are the bravest little girl in the world, and you are so strong. Even people older than you would have given up so long ago. And you are so smart. I know you are smart enough to understand what's happening, right?"_

 _Reagan didn't say anything for a long time. "Am I going to die?"_

 _Spencer was crying now. There was no stopping it at this point. She refused to lie to her, not at this point, not after everything they had gone through together. "Maybe," she admitted. "And if you are just know that it's okay. It's nothing to be afraid of. You just have to be brave and strong a little longer and then you get to go on another adventure! I know how much you like adventures."_

 _She could barely understand herself through her tears, but Reagan apparently could. "Like that time we went to Disney World?" She whispered._

 _"Better," Spencer said softly. "So much better. I love you, baby."_

 _"But Mommy," Reagan interjected in a small voice. "what about you? I don't want to leave you all alone."_

 _Spencer let out a quiet sob, pulling her in closer. "Don't you worry about me for even a second. I'll be fine. I promise, I'll be fine, and I'll make sure that you are too in the end, okay?"_

There were so many terrible things about losing a child, but the indisputable worst part was the fact that she had really and truly believed that Reagan would be fine. She bought in to the assumption that those who survived cancer were the strong ones, the fighters. But that was a damn lie, because no one had fought as hard as her baby had. There wasn't a single patient in that ward that didn't fight, and to say that the strong ones survived was to imply that the ones who didn't survive were weak. Reagan wasn't weak. She just didn't make it. And that thought was devastating, because there wasn't anything else she could have done. Cancer had just taken a taste of her and decided that it liked her. There was nothing she could have done to save her daughter.

She felt so inadequate. She felt like the worst mother in the world because she was healthy; she was whole and her baby was buried in the ground. Her baby was dead. But in reality, if Spencer could have taken all of the pain onto herself she would have done it without hesitation.

The last six months had been a blur of pain and anguish. They had been full of anger and agony, but finally she felt like maybe she was coming out the other end of the dark tunnel she had lost herself in. She was finally starting to see that maybe she did get that miracle. Maybe the miracle wasn't some recovery that defied all scientific odds. Maybe her miracle was getting her daughter at all. Maybe her miracle was getting to raise the most beautiful, intelligent, strong little girl in the world. Maybe her miracle was the four years that she got to spend with Reagan.

"Spencer?"

She wrapped her arms more tightly around her legs and hid her face in her knees. She was shaking and she was crying more than she was proud of, and she didn't want to make this about her. Her story was in the past, there was just something about what happened with Abby that brought back a lot of emotions. Toby's story was in the present, and she didn't want to make things harder on him.

He put a hand on her shoulder and sat down next to her. "My mom told me what happened. God, Spence. There literally is not a word in the English language that properly expresses how sorry I am. I am so, so sorry. I just- I'm so sorry."

"How did you know where to find me?" She whispered without looking up. It was a big hospital, and not enough time had past to convince her that he had looked very hard. This had to have been one of the first places that he had looked.

His hand was on her back, rubbing out a soothing pattern against her spine. "There wasn't anywhere else you would be. You had that whole thing about opposites, right? You only appreciate the light because you know what darkness is. The cold is only cold because you still have memory of the sun. And if... death was on your mind I was pretty confident you would go where there was life."

She glanced up a little bit, sure that her face was a mess of tear stains and mascara. She looked at him hesitantly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to run off like t-that, I just-"

He shook his head, cutting her off immediately. "I have never run across a situation that needed an apology less. I get it, Spence. I promise." He reached out and lightly touched her cheek. "I need to apologize to you too. I never should have left you."

She didn't have to think about that before responding. "No, you shouldn't have," she agreed.

"You have to know though," he continued earnestly. "You have to know that it wasn't because I didn't want you anymore. It was the opposite, really. I loved you so much that I was willing to suffer to give you what I thought that you deserved."

"You don't get to decide what I deserve without asking me, Toby," she argued.

"I know that now," he said softly. "I was just young, stupid, and so in love with you that it made me do stupid things."

"Was?" She had to check, because she knew how she would answer that question. She was been blindingly angry with him just about every minute she was away from him, but God, she still loved him so much.

He gave her a look. "Do you even have to ask me that? I don't think as second has gone by where I haven't loved you more, Spencer. That includes our years apart. There isn't anyone else for more."

She froze. How was she supposed to respond to that? What was he even saying? He took advantage of her lack of a response by leaning in and kissing her. It started out gentle and hesitant, but when she didn't pull away he went in deeper. If she hadn't already felt the sincerity of his apology she did now. But before she could deepen the kiss even further he pulled away, looking at her with remorseful eyes. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Shut up," she sighed, leaning in to kiss him again.


	6. Chapter 6

**SO I actually love this chapter a lot :). This is a combination of cute, sappy, angsty and just great. Like a twix. The perfect combination of everything good in the world. Let me know what you think, okay?**

 **In the mean time, I start work again in a week, ideally I'll get in another update or two, but you know how busy I am guys! Thanks so much for sticking with me!**

Chapter 6

TPOV

He had a lot of regrets in his life, but what he had done to Spencer had always decidedly been the greatest. He had managed to lie to himself, to convince himself that it was the right thing for awhile. But it had been years of regret since the crushing realization had hit him like a freight train. He had made a mistake. What was he without Spencer?

When they broke apart he took her hand, gently holding it between both of his. He was torn in a million directions right now. "I need to get back to Abby..." he trailed off. "but will you come with me? I need to talk more to you, and I feel like she will be more excited to see you than me."

Spencer hesitated, wiping away the tears the clung to her cheeks. "Are you sure, Toby? I don't- want to interrupt your time with her."

He didn't let go of her hand, squeezing it gently. "I need to talk to you. My mom is here, I just want to check on her first. She's fine."

Spencer nodded. "Yeah, the first time is usually really hard," she whispered. "Especially because they don't know exactly how her body's going to react."

Every piece of insight was going to twist the knife that the knowledge of Reagan had plunged into his tattered heart. Because as much as he appreciated her insight, it reminded him every single time that he wasn't there for her when she needed him the most. "I'm sorry, Spencer."

Her eyes immediately welled up with tears. She shut them and covered her eyes for a second before saying anything. "I'll tell you everything you want to know," she said softly. "Don't think I can't hear the questioning in your voice. But not here. When we're alone again, okay?"

He nodded. It was more than he deserved. He could be patient for her just a little longer. He took her hand and walked back with her to the recovery room they had placed Abby in. As soon as he walked in Abby let out a loud groan. "No, Daddy go away! Grandma was just going to give me candy!"

His mom laughed and dramatically threw her head back. "Way to sell me out, kiddo. I-" but whatever she was going to say was lost when she saw Spencer. She took three steps forward and engulfed her in her arms immediately. "Spencer Hastings, where have you been all my life?"

Spencer made a noise that he couldn't quite identify. "Mrs. Cavanaugh..." she trailed off softly. "I don't think that I could ever thank you enough for that day."

His mom rubbed her back a little bit, smiling sadly. "I was glad to do it. Did my son pull his head out of his ass and fix things yet?"

Spencer genuinely laughed this time. "I think he's trying. Is it okay if I kidnap him for awhile?"

His mom nodded eagerly. "If not Abby and I are going to lock you both in the closet, right kiddo?" She looked to Abby for support.

Abby clearly had no idea what was happening, but even still she nodded excitedly. "Right in the closet. Grandma says you're being idiots, and I thought that was pretty mean but she said it was affectionate, so I guess it's okay." Abby turned to him with a frown. "Daddy, affectionate is good, right?"

Toby sat down next to her and pulled her against his chest. He hugged her for a second, and she let him without complaint. She had always been good at that, knowing what he needed. He always tried to do the best he could for her, and he supposed that she felt the same way about him. They were a team. "Affectionate is good," he confirmed softly. "Will you be okay with Grandma for a bit? I will even approve a limited amount of candy. I just- I need to talk to Spencer for a bit, Princess."

She nodded, her little pig tails smacking her face. It broke his heart to think about the fact that they might not be there for much longer. "I haven't seen grandma in about a million years, so I'd rather hang out with her anyway." She leaned in to whisper the last bit in his ear. "Are you going to kiss her? I think you want to kiss her," she whispered in a voice that wasn't all that quiet.

He blushed as either Spencer or his mom turned a laugh into a cough behind him. "Maybe if she lets me," he said softly, really hoping that she was ready to trust him with her heart again. Although, he unquestionably would wait a lifetime for her.

Abby nodded serious, crawling out of his lap and back toward the pillows. She gestured wildly for Spencer to join her. "Miss Spencer, come here for a second. I need to tell you a secret."

This time Abby had an appropriate whisper volume and he had no idea what she said, which led him to believe that his daughter may have been trying to embarrass him earlier. He waited for Spencer to leave first, a grin on her face, before following behind her. He couldn't help but admire her from behind, and not in a sleezy way. She looked the way that come home had always felt to him. Warm, inviting... beautiful. How had he ever found the strength to leave her?

"You're staring," Spencer said with a smile in her voice.

"Maybe," he answered, coming up next to her. He hesitated. He wasn't used to hesitating with her, but everything felt so new. He didn't want to do anything that she wasn't ready for. He reached out and gently grabbed her hand, slowly and carefully lacing their fingers together. It had been so long but even still it felt like... it felt like home. "Is this okay?" He questioned her softly.

She nodded. "Yeah," she whispered. The way she spoke without hesitation told him that it really was.

He was going to cry, because this was more than he deserved. But he wouldn't allow himself to be the sad one when, in reality, he had no right to cry. Spencer was the victim in every sense of the word, and if she was strong enough to allow him a second chance than he would be strong enough to hold himself together. He squeezed her hand gently and led her to his sensible, red van. "Can I take you somewhere?" He had an idea, but it would involve her trusting him enough to just go with him, and he wasn't sure if they were there yet.

She nodded again, this time she didn't speak. She brushed her hair out of her eyes and stared out the window silently. As he drove the two of them back to his mom's house he couldn't help but remember all the reasons that he loved her. And yes, loved. He loved her with every part of him, and that's the only reason he managed to leave her to begin with. Before he had Abby, Spencer had been the only person whose well-being was more important to him than his own.

 _The easy smile that had been on his mom's face all day faded as they pulled into the driveway behind his dad's truck. "What's he doing back so early?" he demanded. "He wasn't supposed to be home until 7!"_

 _"I don't know," she said softly, forcing the smile back on her face for him. He might have only been 11, but he knew when his mom was being dishonest. "But why don't you take your snacks and Spencer up to the tree house while I cook him dinner."_

 _"Mom," Toby whined. He wished she would let him help. Dad shouldn't yell at her like he did. It wasn't her fault that he was really bad at telling time. "Let me help."_

 _She grabbed his hand and squeezed it a little bit. "I can take care of your dad. But I need you to go take care of Spencer, okay? We told her mom and that we'd take really good care of her, and I need you to do that for me."_

 _He rolled his eyes. That was really sneaky. She knew that he wouldn't say no to that. He sighed and nodded, taking his bag and Spencer's. "Come on, Spence," he said loud enough for her to hear. "Let's go play in the tree house."_

 _Spencer was a year younger than him, which basically felt like an eternity. They were in the same grade though, because she was a freaky genius with a robot brain and skipped Kindergarten. Her eyes were wide, but they weren't scared. They were more concerned. She lingered by the van for a second. "Why are you nervous?"_

 _Toby frowned. He took her hand and pulled her around the side of the house. His mom had to deal with enough. The least he could do was to keep himself and Spencer out of the way. "My dad just is really, really grumpy sometimes. And my mom doesn't like for me to be around it for some reason."_

 _She nodded thoughtfully. "She loves you."_

 _"Yeah," he whispered. He knew that already. He gestured for her to go first, making his way up the ladder behind her. Spencer was kind of scrawny and it made him nervous to think about her falling. At least he could break her fall a little bit this way._

 _Once they were at the top she took his hand again. If any other girl did that he would think it was gross, but this was Spencer she had been his best friend for as long as he could remember. She was as constant in his life as his own family was. "If it ever gets too much and you need to run away, call me first."_

 _"Yeah?" This time he was smiling. "Where will we go?"_

 _"I can make us a fancy peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Or maybe tuna if I'm feeling a little bit crazy pants, and we can go to the movies."_

Spencer had been his safe place to land even when his family wasn't, even when he felt like he had had no one else in his corner, he had Spencer; he had her until he let his insecurities get in the way of the best relationship he had ever had. But they didn't just effect his relationship with Spencer. That one moment of weakness had an effect on every relationship in his life, because the crippling depression that followed caused him to push other people away too.

 _"Where are you?"_

 _He hesitated, swallowing roughly before answering. "Would you hate me if I didn't come?"_

 _There was a long pause before his mom answered. "You're afraid of running into her, aren't you?"_

 _He had made his choice, and whether it was right or not he had to stick by it. He had to stay away, because he didn't deserve her. He never had, but he especially didn't now. But if he saw her? The fragile wall he had built would come tumbling down. "I can't mom. I just can't," he whispered. "I-"_

 _She interrupted him, saving him as she always did. "I still think you're being a dipshit, but you're my son and I will support you always, you know that. Do what you have to do. We can get dinner out your way next week, okay?"_

He hadn't ever thought very highly of himself. He was soft-spoken. He preferred to take the backseat and let anybody else lead. He wasn't anyone's idea of a typical man. He was shy, quiet, and God, was he broken. He never loved himself, but he had loved Spencer for as long as he could remember. He loved her in his earliest memory of her. She was three and all pigtails, sticky fingers, and chocolate ice cream covered face. He loved her when she was 10 and she thought that every boy was disgusting, even him. But somehow she still put up with him. He loved her when she was 13 and came crying to him because Noel Kahn had told her that she was the ugliest girl he had ever seen. He loved her when he got suspended for a week for breaking Noel's nose the next day. He loved her when she was 16 and the only reason that he passed his SATs. He loved her when she held him while he cried and when she rubbed his back when he was sick. He loved her whens he puked on his shoes after getting drunk the first time, and he loved her when she tripped and started the chain reaction that ended up with him in the hospital with a concussion.

He had never loved himself, but God, he had loved her with an overwhelming intensity that colored and effected everything that he did. And he had never really thought much of himself until he realized that she thought he was worth something. He never really saw that he mattered until she saw that he mattered. Even now, especially now, he loved her so much that his heart ached.

He had made such a stupid mistake six years ago, but damn it he would find a way to fix it.

He pulled into the driveway of his mom's house, looking at the generic, blue siding for a minute. "The tree house is still back there," he said hesitantly. "it's where we always used to talk, and I thought-"

She smiled a little bit, making eye contact with him for the first time since they had left the hospital. "Perfect," she almost whispered, getting out of the van and slowly started walking toward the backyard.

He climbed out of the van and grabbed a couple bottles of water from the back, jogging to catch up with her. He handed her one and gestured for her to go first up the ladder, as he always did. That would never change, except now he was probably more paranoid about her getting hurt. It would be just his luck to have her fall and injure herself when he was on the verge of trying to fix his mistakes.

Once they both managed to get to the top of the tree house he hesitated. He didn't know what to say to her. He didn't know how to make it better. "Spencer, I-"

She shook her head, facing him full on for the first time. Her eyes were slightly blood shot and there were tears welling up in them. "You know, I spent years and years being furious at you. I couldn't even hear your name without wanting to hit something."

"And I-"

She shook her head again. "No, Toby. I can see how sorry you are in the way you're holding yourself right now, and I could see it in every word that you've said to me since we met again in that waiting room. Now it's my turn." She paused and took his hand, not looking into his eyes. "I know you better than I know myself, and I knew what you were doing then. I should have fought harder for you. I shouldn't have given up. And I have to apologize for that, because if I had kept fighting things might have been different."

He was going to say something, but she continued before he had a chance. "But I don't regret it," she admitted. "I might have only gotten 4 years with Reagan, but they were 4 amazing years. I wouldn't give them up for anything." She paused. "And you got Abigail. So maybe it served a purpose."

"Tell me about her," he whispered. He wanted to move closer, to hold her until he could make this right. He couldn't do that, but he knew Spencer, and he knew that she felt better talking things out. "If you can."

She closed her eyes and nodded. "What do you want to know?"

"What was she like?" He asked her softly. He felt like he knew everything about Spencer but this one part. But it was such a huge piece of who she became, so maybe he didn't know her at all anymore.

Spencer smiled a little bit, wiping away a tear that had fallen down her cheek. "She was brilliant. She was obsessed with Greek mythology, but I think that's my fault. Her middle name was Athena."

"Leave it to you to raise a nerd, Spence," he teased, slowly reaching for her hand and enclosing it in both of his. He was scared to do anymore than this, but he was also afraid not to be touching her at all. "Why Athena?"

She looked at the ground. "I was really mad at you when you left," she admitted. "like livid, seeing red, wanting to break everything mad. And I went to this party, drank too much, and..." she trailed off. "You don't need the details. But I found out I was pregnant about a month later. The stupidest decision I ever made gave me one of the best things in my life, but I didn't want her to suffer from my mistakes. So every night I told her that she was named after the goddess of wisdom and war, and that you can't be wise unless you're ready to fight for what you want and what you believe in. But you can't fight for everything, you have to pick what really matters. If she could only retain one thing I wanted it to be that, so I put it in her name and she'd never forget it."

He wanted to apologize again, but if he did it would be for him and not for her. He wouldn't make this about him. "What did she look like?"

Spencer laughed a little tearfully, pulling a picture out of her back pocket with shaking hands, passing it to him. He unfolded the worn picture and felt a few tears in his own eyes. She looked exactly like Spencer had when she was that age. "She's your twin," he said softly. "I wouldn't have known that wasn't you if you hadn't told me."

"She was perfect," Spencer murmured. "She was stubborn, could throw beautiful fits, and could pull out the fake tears like no one's business. But in the end those things don't matter. You remember their laugh and the way that they would only use yellow and red when they colored pictures. You remember the way that they name their stuffed animals after Greek gods and that the only movie they would watch was Frozen."

Realization dawned on him. "The bear you gave Abby?"

She shrugged a little bit. "It wasn't doing me any good keeping him in my purse. I can't hold onto everything, and that bear just reminded me of her being in the hospital." She didn't talk for awhile. "The first day I could bring myself to go into her room after she died... I just sat on her bed and I talked to her like she was hiding in her closet." She closed her eyes, not bothering to hide the tears anymore. "I used to play this game with myself, pretending that she was at school or with Hanna. I tried so hard to convince myself that she would be walking in the door any minute."

He didn't care anymore. He scooted across the rough boards and pulled her against him, holding her while she cried like he should have done when she lost Reagan. He should have been there. Spencer turned her face into his chest for a second before continuing. "But that had to stop, because every time it slipped, every time I remembered that she died it would be just as bad as the minute her heart stopped beating." She hesitated, the sound of their respective tears being the only noise either of them were hearing. "You know as well as I do that everyone tries to give you hope. They try to tell you that it will all be okay, and you believe them. You believe them because they're doctors and they know better. But what happens when it isn't? What happens when that blind hope and faith turns into the realization that your child is going to die? The worst part was that I really and truly believed that she was going to be okay. I really believed that some kind of miracle was going to make everything right."

He didn't know what to say, he just held her while she cried. He ran his fingers through her hair and pressed soft kisses to her forehead. She took a shaky breath. "But honestly," she pulled away and looked at him. "it's taken me this long to realize that even though Reagan died I did get that miracle. It was getting her for as short a time as I did; it was getting even a little time with her." She put a hand on his cheek, and that was when he realized that he was crying every bit as hard as she was. "I don't want to scare you, and I don't want you to stop believing that your daughter is going to be okay. There is every chance in the world that she will be. But you need to appreciate everything you have, okay? Take pictures, play games, give her the best months of her life... because if for some horrible, terrible, unfair reason that they are her last, you will have given her everything she could have asked for and you will give yourself something to hold onto when it feels like there isn't anything good left."

He nodded desperately, cupping her face with both of her hands. "I will," he whispered. "I- Spence, I-" he didn't know how to get the words out.

Her face softened. "I forgave you a long time ago, Toby. I know who you are, okay? I know who you are and what you were trying to do, and it was so stupid. But I know you're sorry," she tilted her head to the side and smiled a little bit. "And I still love you. Even if I never saw you again, and was always going to be you. I couldn't imagine feeling this for anyone else."

He grinned through his tears, her forgiveness being more than he ever could have hoped for. "I love you too," he whispered. "I tried so hard to move on, but I always went back to you. I love you." He didn't have it in him to stay away anymore. He leaned in and kissed her again, this time it wasn't hesitant. This time he kissed her with all the love, grief, passion, and happiness that he felt for her. He kissed her with everything that he had and he felt her do the same.

They stayed like that for a long time, kissing, laughing, and just re familiarizing themselves with each other. It was like both an eternity and no time at all had passed. He pressed his forehead to hers, one hand on her back and losing the other in her soft hair. "Does this mean you'll give me another chance?"

It was her turn to grin. "I need to talk to someone about it first."

"Who?" If she said Hanna he was going to laugh. He had almost forgotten that dating Spencer also meant dating her best friend.

She giggled. "You'll find out later."


	7. Chapter 7

**I'M SO SORRY THIS HAS BEEN SO LONG. First, last chapter got like 5 reviews so I wasn't super motivated to work on this, and then when I was it DELETED TWICE.**

 **But it's okay because this is the best version I've written so far :). Next chapter won't be nearly as long.**

Chapter 7

SPOV

She bit down on her lip. It was ridiculous how nervous she was to do something so mundane, but she truly valued her opinion, and she would take into account whatever she had to say. "You're probably wondering why I brought you here."

"It's probably because I'm cute and grown ups like to buy cute kids ice cream."

She laughed at Abby's matter of fact opinion. She wanted to cry for the little girl that had already lost so much, including her beautiful hair, but she just couldn't because she still hadn't lost her contagious, positive attitude. "I guess that's true. But mostly I had to ask you a question. So your Grandma and your Dad will pick us back up here in an hour after they go get your medicine."

"A question?" She perked up. "Did my daddy tell you how good I am at Math? I bet it's a math question. Ask me what 2 + 4 is, Miss Spencer!"

She was actually laughing now. "Hey Abby, can you help me figure out what 2 + 4 is? I've been wondering for awhile."

"It's 6!" She holds up both hands, one with two fingers and the other with four fingers. "See! Six!"

"You are good at math," Spencer praised. "and I know who I'll come to for help with all of my math problems now. But I actually have another question for you, if that's okay."

Abby nodded vigorously, a little ice cream on her nose. "I like questions. And I like you too. My daddy looks at you like you're his favorite person ever, so I think we should be friends. I want you to be one of my favorite peoples ever too."

She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to do it. "That's kind of what I wanted to ask you, kiddo. You know your daddy used to be my boyfriend, right? Do you know what that means?"

"That you get to kiss each other whenever you want to," she recited like someone told her that before. "Johnny asked me to be his boyfriend, but I told him no. I don't want to kiss boys, they're gross."

Spencer grinned. "That's exactly what it is. I was wondering if you would mind if I was your daddy's girlfriend again? It's okay if you don't want me to be, I promise. You're his daughter and you come first, okay?"

Abby nodded enthusiastically. "Yes! Because if you were my daddy's girlfriend you could come around all the time. And we could have ice cream and smores and maybe you could play Barbie's with me!"

Spencer sighed in relief. "I'm glad you think so because I really want you to be my friend too, Abby. I used to-" she paused, biting down on her lip. "I used to have a little girl a lot like you, and I miss her a lot sometimes."

"You used to? Where is she? Can she come over and play?"

She closed her eyes, completely unwilling to cry right now. "She's not here anymore. She was really sick for a long time, but she's better now in a better place," she explained, trying to use words that a 6 year old might understand."

Abby didn't talk, but she slowly nodded her head. "I'm sorry," she said, touching her hand. "What was her name?"

"Reagan," Spencer smiled sadly. "She was getting ready to go into Kindergarten when she got sick, so she would be a few months older than you if she was still here."

"Can I see a picture?" Abby asked, some of her excitement coming back. "I bet she was so pretty, just like you."

Spencer smiled, pulling out her wallet and showing Abby the picture of Reagan, who was just about at the same point in her treatment as Abby was now. Her beautiful, bald baby.

 _Reagan frowned, looking at her reflection in the mirror at the hospital. "Mommy?" She waited until Spencer's hand was on her back before asking her question. "Can someone still be beautiful if they have no hair?" She asked as she shifted the scarf on her head._

 _Spencer felt her heart shatter at the question, but by the grace of God she managed to keep a straight face. "I've never seen you look more beautiful, baby."_

Luckily Abby didn't notice as she swiped at a stray tear below her eyes. She was too busy examining the picture. "She's so pretty! And she's got no hair like me! Does that mean I'm still pretty too?"

Spencer couldn't stop a tear that time. Why were girl so focused on their outside appearance? It was one of the most tragic parts of their current society. But it gave her an idea. Before she could say anything else to Abby, Toby and Mrs. Cavanaugh walked into Dairy Queen. "Did you ladies have a nice lunch?" Mrs. Cavanaugh asked in a soft, happy voice.

She knew the happiness had more to do with her and Toby than it did anything else. Mrs. Cavnauagh had been more of a mom to her than her own mom ever had been, and she couldn't have been happy when Toby told her what he had done.

"We did, Grandma!" Abby squealed. "Miss Spencer is my best friend now."

Toby stood grinning behind his mom, and that alone was enough to make her heart jump. God, she loved him. "Are you guys ready to go?" She asked softly, not taking her eyes off of Toby.

Mrs. Cavanaugh snorted. "Abby and I are ready to go. You and my son are going to spend some time together. You've missed a lot of time and have a lot of catching up to do." She wagged her eyebrows suggestively, causing Spencer to blush a deep read. "I never liked Jenna much," Mrs. Cavanaugh laughed. "Probably because I missed you, dear." She gave Spencer a one armed hug before walking out with Abby. "If I see you two before Sunday night I will personally make sure you regret it."

She watched them go before turning to Toby with a half smile. "Who are we to argue with that? Want to go back to my apartment? We can walk back from here."

He nodded. "What did you want to talk to Abby about?" He asked softly.

Honestly, it didn't matter what she talked to her about so much as the fact that he trusted her with his daughter to the point that he hadn't needed all the details. She smiled a little bit, looking at the ground. "I um- I wanted to make sure that she was okay with us."

He stopped them on the side of the road, gently turning her so that she was looking at him. "What?"

She didn't want to meet his eyes. It felt stupid now. Why did she think that it was a good idea to ask a 6 year old's permission? And what if she had said no? Would she have walked away? Would she have had the strength to?

She didn't have to think hard to find the answer inside of herself. Of course she would have. She knew what it felt like to watch your child go through something as agonizing as cancer treatment... to wish with everything inside of your heart that you could take their place. To fight like hell to keep a hold of some shred of hope, even when it felt like the world was crashing down around you. She knew what that felt like, and there was no way in hell she would have tainted that process by stealing any of Toby's attention away from an unwilling daughter.

She smiled sadly at him. "I wasn't going to force myself into your lives if your daughter wasn't feeling it, Toby. I'm a big girl, I would have found a way to make it, but she needs you right now. And I wasn't going to screw that up by sticking around if she secretly hated me."

He still looked shocked, she couldn't read his true emotions. "And what did she say?"

"Basically she asked me to be her best friend," she laughed. "And she thinks that dating means you can kiss someone whenever you want."

Toby's shock broke way to a bright smile. "I love you, Spence. Will you please give me another chance now? I promise I'll never hurt you again."

She wanted to kiss him and hold him and never let him go. The fragility of life was something that she understood on a personal level now, but she couldn't do it yet. "What about when things get hard again, Toby," she whispered. "I trusted you before and..." she trailed off, not wanting to say it.

He framed her face with his strong hands and looked into her eyes with an almost tangible passion in his gaze. "I will never leave you again. I promise. I could barely do it once, I could never do it again."

She closed her eyes, thinking back to the last time he said something like that.

 _"What are you so upset about?" She asked him softly._

 _He shook his head, his forehead in his palms. "I just heard something that I don't like," he sighed._

 _"Because it was a lie?" She asked softly, scooting closer to him and putting a gentle hand on his knee. They had been friends for their entire life, but the dating thing was still fairly recent to them. She wasn't sure this was what she was supposed to do._

 _He shook his head a second time. "Because it's true," he disagreed lightly. "and I don't know what to do about it."_

 _"Tell me," she whispered. "what can I do?"_

 _He glanced at her, his eyes a little blood shot. "Your dad came to talk to me today..."_

 _She closed her eyes. Her damn parents, getting in the way of everything that she wanted. "What the hell did he do?"_

 _Toby smiled a little bit, and it made her chest flutter. She would have done anything to see that smile; literally anything. "I'm not sure I should tell you," he said softly. "I think you'll be more upset by it than I am."_

 _"Well now you have to tell me," she insisted._

 _He signed. "He was in line behind me at the grocery store. He just had some words of caution for me."_

 _"Toby-" she protested, but he continued before she could make any other demands._

 _"He told me to be careful, basically. He said that you already loved me too much, and that you would follow me into hell if I asked you to," he paused. "Which I wouldn't. You know that right? You know I wouldn't ever let you get hurt? And I damn well never would ask you to do anything that would hurt you."_

 _She nodded furiously. "Of course," she whispered, not denying the part about walking into hell for or with him. She would follow him anywhere._

 _Toby nodded. "Well he basically asked me to consider whether I wanted you to or not," he said softly. "I know it sounds stupid, but-"_

 _She cut him off. "It doesn't sound stupid. It sounds like my dad putting his nose where it doesn't belong."_

 _"I know. I know, but he's right, Spence. You can do better, and maybe you-"_

 _"If you finish that sentence I'll punch you in the nuts, Toby Cavanaugh. I have everything I want and need right here," she insisted. "My dad can kiss my ass if he doesn't like it."_

 _Toby smiled a little bit, as he always did when she got mad. It was really insulting, but right now she was happy that he was still here. Toby had a tendency to run when he was feeling overwhelmed. She could work with this, but if he left her... that she couldn't deal with. "You can't leave me," she whispered, adding it as an afterthought at the end._

 _He grabbed her hand and pulled her down into his lap, wrapping both arms around her. "I'm not going anywhere."_

She didn't see it at the time, but that was the beginning of a long struggle with her parents, one that did eventually end with him leaving. God, she wanted to believe in him. There wasn't much that she believed in in this world, but her trust in Toby had been the one constant in her life; that was until he broke it in a way that she thought may have been irreparable. Now she wasn't sure. Her heart wanted to forgive him, but her brain was holding her back.

He didn't speak, he just pulled her into a hug. His arms felt just as safe and secure as they always had. She felt like nothing would ever be able to hurt her while he held her. And that was when she knew. He was still the same Toby. He was the Toby that always walked on the side of the road with the cars and let her go first up to the tree house. He was the Toby that never ate the last piece of pizza and always let her have the orange dreamsicle while he took the gross fudge one. He was the Toby that tirelessly went door to door delivering girl scout cookies with her. He was the Toby that punched Noel Kahn in the face for making her cry, and he was the one who unapologetically took a month of detentions for it. He was her Toby, and one mistake, albeit a horrible one, didn't change that.

She believed him.

"Okay," she whispered into the skin of his neck, shivering as his arms pulled her even closer.

"Really?" He breathed, almost as though he didn't believe her.

She nodded, hesitating before leaning in and kissing him with all the passion she could muster, not at all concerned that this was a very public street. He responded earnestly, losing on hand in her hair and using the other to keep her upright. She put a hand on either side of his face. She never wanted to move. She never wanted to escape from this moment, but they eventually broke apart for air. "I want to do something," she whispered.

He tucked a stray chunk of hair behind her ear and looked at her questioningly. "I um-" she bit down on her lip. "I want to go shave my head."

"Spence-" he breathed. He just looked at her for a second before kissing her again. It contained just as much passion without the length. "A-are you sure? I just don't want you to do something you aren't sure of."

She smiled and nodded. "I'm sure. I wish I had done it for Reagan. Abby asked me earlier if she was still pretty with no hair, and I think it would do her a world of good to see another girl going bald," she paused. "I think I'll still look pretty great," she laughed.

"You'll be the most beautiful person on the planet," he whispered. "You've always been stunning, you know that. But you're just- indescribable. You've left me speechless, Hastings."

She smiled softly. "I love you," she offered in a whisper, the first time she had said those words to someone besides Reagan in 5 years.

His eyes welled up with tears that she pretended not to notice. "I love you too."


End file.
